Category Archives: Relationship advice

How to Stop Judging Yourself and Others for Better Mental Health

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Care and Change.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Dr. Doris Jeanette, Body-Emotions-Energy Teacher
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com
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Here is an excellent holistic psychology question I got this week
from a client. She asks, “How do I stop hating myself— as in judging
myself —when I make a mess and so many mistakes over and over again.
I can’t stand it.”

This client is learning how to be responsible for all her behaviors,
thoughts and feelings without being mean to herself. Being
responsible for yourself without judging yourself is what I call the
“First Trick in Transformation.” When you master this, you move to
the wonderful place on planet earth beyond judgment. This is the
place the poet Rumi loved to write about.

When my client makes a mess, she apologizes and thinks that is all
she has to do. However, the messes continue and add up over time
because she is not learning how to be a more responsible person with
the people in her life. She is still avoiding, instead of owning and
facing her mess. You know you are still being defensive if you cannot
admit and talk about the mistakes you make with ease again and again
over time. No buttons or triggers will be there when you are
emotionally secure.

Like most people in the world, my client does not want to be
responsible because if she admits she made a mess, her Inner Critic
beats her to death, just like the flagellation that was used for
punishment by the Romans. In 2023, you may not be physically
punishing yourself but you sure are beating yourself up creating as
much emotional and physical pain as if you were!

Sometimes, my client wants to kill herself to escape this pain. The
racing, mean, nasty thoughts hitting her emotional self makes her
want to run away and hide. If these thoughts are often enough,
terrible enough, people do kill themselves, as the brilliant author
Virginia Woolf did by putting rocks in her pockets and walking into
the Ouse river behind her home.

Therefore, learning how to stand up to your Inner Critic is essential
for personal growth. The lower brain needs to unlearn this nasty behavior
from the Middle Ages of attacking ourselves when we make a mess.
Making a mess and making mistakes are part of the natural process of
transformation that occurs when we self-actualize and become our true
selves.

When you make a mess you must clean it up. If you are not making a
mess, then you are not becoming a better person, you are stuck in
your ego. This means you want to make a mess, be responsible for your
mess, be compassionate toward yourself and stop making the same mess
over and over again. In other words, CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR! Anxiety is
usually the reason you make a mess in the fist place, so learn to
reduce your anxiety, be responsible and make better choices.

The fastest way I know to be successful learning how to stop whipping
yourself, is to FEEL how much you are hurting your little girl when you
attack her and make her bad and wrong. Feeling solves the problem for
me. Once I feel how much I am hurting myself or someone else, I
immediately want to stop being insensitive, mean or heartless.

My open heart cares and quickly stops the abuse. If you know of a
faster way to do this, please share it with me and our readers.
Caring is the result of opening your heart and solar plexus. Open
your heart to help yourself and humanity move forward.

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OPEN YOUR SOLAR PLEXUS: Learn to tell the difference between your
true self and ego in the first hour of the Opening the Heart audio
series called “Feelings: The challenge of our species.” Practice
sensing your colorful vibrations as you receive guidance on how to
recognize your rigid ego energy. You are empowered as soon as you
accept your true self. Three hours of audio on feelings, fear and hurt,
recorded in a sound studio so my voice delivers healing, calming
vibrations to resonate with over and over again for better mental
health. $97.00, money-back guarantee.

Read more and order:
http://www.drjeanette.com/emotionalhealthaudio.html

The three-hour Opening the Heart audio is included in the home study
course, Overcome Anxiety Naturally. Ten written lessons guide you
into a stronger relationship with your body so you relax into your skin
and stay grounded. When you are grounded, you cannot be anxious.
Breathing and body exercises strengthen your ability to remove
conditioned responses from your nervous system so you relax and
feel more self-confident. $197.00, money-back guarantee.

Read more and order:
http://www.drjeanette.com/anxietyonlinecourse.html

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If you enjoy The Vibrant Moment, please forward it to friends and
colleagues. It comes to you from Dr. Doris Jeanette, with over
forty-five years of experience teaching people how to read and use
energy to unlock and use their human potential. Sign up at:
http://www.drjeanette.com

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D.
503 S. 21 St.
Philadelphia, PA 19146
http://www.drjeanette.com
215-732-6197

Mentor and author of Opening the Heart

How to Open Your Heart and Let Love in

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Receive Love.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Dr. Doris Jeanette, Body-Emotions-Energy Teacher

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Love energy exists outside of you in many forms. Consider the
possibility that you are actively blocking this sweet nectar so it
does not penetrate your heart. How much love do you allow into your
heart? Probably not nearly as much as you could. Could it be that
your ego is stopping you from receiving love?

One of my large social networks is a center city, Philadelphia
outdoor olympic size pool club where I have been a member since 1980.
Being half a block from my home, I go and come all day long. I enjoy
coffee in the morning, a swim in the afternoon and dinner looking out
over the cityscape. Due to the pandemic, The Lombard Swim Club was
not able to open last year.

Five hundred of us own the club and it is a heart-warming story of
how the community saved this precious outdoor space from being
developed into townhouses. As we cautiously gather this year, my
socks keep getting knocked off at how much love energy is coming
toward me. I feel like a bag of bones, withered and weak. Like I have
aged a decade. Curiously, the comments from others do not match my
perception. As I creeped across the pool deck yesterday with lower
back pain, a new member that I do not even know said, “You look
fantastic!” Gee, what is going on?

People are seeing something that I do not feel. Could I be projecting
my judgment of myself onto others and not even know it? Probably.
Always allow yourself to notice and question your perception. If you do,
you become more grounded and realistic. It is often the case, that
others are more loving of you than you are of yourself. So, it pays to be
present enough with yourself and others to experience what is really
going on in physical and emotional reality. This is the reason it is so
important to be able to read body language.

When we only listen to the thoughts in our head, it is easy to forget
that reality is full of love. My Judgmental Self does not receive love
from others. Or give it to others! My True Self takes in it and keeps
it forever in my heart. My True Self freely gives love as a way of life.
Open your heart and allow love to come and go without your Ego
acting as the suspicious guard.

It feels wonderful to feel loved and to know that you are loved. You
deserve this feeling often. Love is knocking on your door. Open your
heart and let it in. To open your heart learn to recognize your Ego
when it is getting in your way.

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A GUIDE TO OPEN YOUR HEART: Learn to recognize your Ego when it
shuts your heart. The Opening the Heart audio series teaches you the
energy difference between your True Self and your Egos. Once you
know the difference, you heal your emotional wounds by choosing self-
acceptance in stead of self- judgment. Your heart receives and gives
love with confidence after you heal your emotional wounds from the
past. Three hours of audio on Feelings, Fear and Hurt.
Money-back guarantee. $97.00

Read more and order Opening the Heart:
http://www.drjeanette.com/emotionalhealthaudio.html

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LEARN TO READ BODY LANGUAGE: Perceive reality by questioning your
perception often. This audio was made for therapists. It is now
available at a reduced fee for all Vibrant Moment readers:
Introduction to Body Language: Authentic Communication. Instead of
$47.00, you pay $29.99. Money-back guarantee.

Read more and order:
http://www.drjeanette.com/bodylanguageaudio.html

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D.
503 S. 21 St.
Philadelphia, PA 19146
http://www.drjeanette.com

Author of Opening the Heart and 14 other self-care products.

How to Be Happy and Full of Joy

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Bring Back Your Joy.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Human Energy Teacher, Mentor
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com

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Last month I shared how to relax into stress by trusting yourself and your natural processes. Read about how to transform overwhelming energy if you missed it: https://thevibrantmoment.com/2017/07/19/how-to-live-in-process-and-relax-into-stress/

Thank the cosmos, I was able to follow my own advice. For the last two weeks, I have been able to enjoy my daily swim and relax in the shade afterwards, while looking up at the beautiful blue sky. What a joy!

I was stuck in a defensive response to stress. Nothing kills joy faster than defensive energy. This is the reason I am highly motivated to get rid of defensive energy as fast as possible. How often do you get stuck in a defensive reaction?

“No one understands me. No one cares about me,” my client said after the end of a story about how an unkind person related to him. He didn’t say it, but I could feel that he included me in with all the rest of the people in his life. He did not think that I understood or cared about him either.

After forty years of experience working with defensive energy, I know that when someone is defensive, they do not trust me. I also know that when someone does not trust me, there is nothing I can do to help them. Therefore, if I cannot find a way to help my client return to his senses so he can trust me again, he is on his own.

This means he will stay stuck in his false beliefs, reacting as if they are true, when in reality they are false. This is the emotional health dynamic when many people end an important relationship with their friend, family or psychologist. You can currently see millions of people all over the world acting as if their irrational thoughts about reality are true, when they are false.

This is an excellent definition of mental illness. When you, or someone you know and love, is stuck in a false belief that no one understands you, you are out of touch with reality. Of course, it is true that people are sometimes unkind, mean and attacking. Yes, the person in my clients’ story was unkind.

However, it is also true that my client is being unkind to his friend and himself. The bottom line is, when you stop being unkind to yourself is when unkindness stops hurting you. When I stopped criticizing myself, I stopped being defensive about all my problems. Once I was kind and loving toward myself, my pleasure in living returned.

The next time this emotional health dynamic occurs in your life, you could transform your defensive energy into flowing healthy, energy. Instead of making yourself or the other person wrong, you could return to your senses. If you feel, instead of think, you return to your body and reality. Common sense, reality and truth are the ingredients needed to cultivate joy and vibrant moments.

Bring back your joy by being kind to yourself—no matter what is going on in your life.

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LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF: Assertiveness Training is essential education if you want healthy relationships. Learn how to express your emotions and feelings in effective ways to get what you want and need. Study ways to stop defensive behaviors such as being aggressive or passive. Being angry empowers you to stop people from hurting you and taking advantage of you. Be effective in taking care of yourself in relationships. Money-back guarantee, $149.97, 46-page manual, six written lessons and six audio coaching classes to guide you. Order the home study Assertiveness Training course and enjoy working with it. Just reading the manual will help you be more assertive.
Read more and order: http://www.drjeanette.com/assertivenesstrainingcourse.html

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STOP CRITICIZING: Defensive energy is caused by two demons, Guilt and Judgment. Learn how to get rid of guilt and live a guilt free life. Order the one-hour audio lesson, “Find Peace Beyond Guilt and Judgment.” http://www.drjeanette.com/guiltbuster.html

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Follow me on twitter for daily inspiration: http://twitter.com/DorisJeanette ====================================

If you enjoy The Vibrant Moment, please share it with your friends and colleagues. It comes to you from holistic psychologist, Doris Jeanette, a licensed psychologist with forty years of experience teaching people how to read and use energy to unlock and use their human potential. Sign up at: http://www.drjeanette.com.

How to Reach Pain Free Living with Body Love

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember:  Feel Reality.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Dr. Doris Jeanette, Health and Wellness Coach, Mentor
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com

Follow me on Twitter for daily inspiration:
http://twitter.com/DorisJeanette

==========================

After my mother’s death two years ago, I experienced physical problems as I grieved. I had expected to feel a huge loss emotionally but I had not expected to suffer so much physically. Nevertheless, I did.

Your body records reality. Sometimes physical reality hangs on to unhealthy energy, false beliefs and maladaptive conditioned responses for a very long time. Therefore, it is wise to pay attention to every little pain, discomfort and signal you get from your body.

Just as it is imperative to listen to your emotional self when you have emotional feelings, it is imperative to listen to your physical self when you have body feelings. Take a deep breath and feel your body now. What is going on inside of it? Outside of it?

Your Feelings Connect You to Reality.

When you do not feel, you become mentally ill, emotionally distraught and physically sick. Therefore, getting in touch with your genuine feelings is the solution to anxiety, depression, physical pain and low self-esteem.

Yes, of course, when you first feel, you feel something you do not like, such as pain. This is the reality you have been avoiding and the reason you stopped feeling in the first place. Welcome the hurt because it will lead you to natural health and wellness and more vibrant moments.

Feeling reality is a whole lot more pleasant than feeling sick or anxious. When grieving or going through any difficult period you need to trust your natural process. This means you must let go of control to get to the light at the end of the tunnel.

The more you control reality, the sicker you will be. The more you feel reality, the healthier you will be. Learn to love your body and emotions. Accept your reality if you want to return to natural health and wellness. Body love wonders wonders!

When you let go of control, you let go of your ego. Therefore, you immediately access more of your True Self who knows how to heal you. I feel like I am getting out of prison. The prison was my unconscious, which was full guilt, pity, hopelessness and false beliefs. Your unconscious contains the unhealthy energy you must face and feel so it moves up and out of you.

Take a deep breath and let go. As you exhale, feel your current reality. For help feeling your emotions, study and work with the Opening the Heart audio. For help feeling your body, do the body exercises in the Overcome Anxiety Naturally home study course. The home study course includes the Opening the Heart Audio.

Relax. Feel the a-mazing comfort of reality. Feel your physical and emotional pain. Your stuck energy naturally moves forward as soon as you start to feel reality. Soon you feel more freedom and holistic health as more vital energy moves through your body.

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FEEL YOUR BODY FEELINGS: Get the help you need to feel reality where you are safe and sane. Take the home study course, “Overcome Anxiety Naturally.” Ten written lessons and five hours of audio that includes the comforting, relaxing “Opening the Heart” audio series on how to feel your body and emotions. Order now and enjoy receiving the help given. $199.97 money-back guarantee.

Read more and order Overcome Anxiety Naturally:
http://www.drjeanette.com/anxietyonlinecourse.html

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NEED HELP FEELING YOUR EMOTIONAL SELF?  Listen to the “Opening the Heart” audio as it guides you into finding your real self and saying goodbye to your ego. A comforting, loving voice guides you into finding, healing and loving your emotional self. Your emotional self always knows exactly how you feel, what you need and what you want. Three hours of comforting, relaxing audio to listen to over and over again. $97.97 money-back guarantee.

Read more and order:
http://www.drjeanette.com/emotionalhealthaudio.html
=================================

If you enjoy The Vibrant Moment, please share with your friends and colleagues. It comes to you from holistic psychologist, Dr. Doris Jeanette, a licensed psychologist with forty years of experience teaching people how to read and use energy to unlock and use their human potential. Sign up at: http://www.drjeanette.com.

How to Make Your New Year’s Resolutions Come True

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: You Can Do it.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com

==============

Do you believe you can do what you want to do?
Do you know you have a right to live the life you desire?

There is no reason you cannot follow your heart and enjoy more vibrant moments. Even though the pathway to freedom and joy is full of real fears and irrational anxieties, never give up or think you cannot face your real fears and overcome your anxieties.

If your life is not what you want it to be, if your health is puny, if you feel deep sorrow, know there is hope. At any moment in time you can begin the process of transforming your dense, defensive energy into more love and light. You have the power to shift, change, transform, unlearn, and learn whenever you decide to take action.

The pathway to your goals is clear. You must stay true to yourself. As you move forward you will learn many new skills, behaviors, and habits that empower you and make you innately happy. The journey to self-actualization is fun, you do not have to wait until you get to the end of your life to enjoy yourself.

Here is a list of lessons learned in 2015 from a regular client who is willing to share her successes with you. She had a very hard year full of relationship, financial, and stage four cancer problems. Yet, she stayed true to herself and is now happier and healthier than she has ever been.

May her list inspire and motivate you to keep learning and growing. She said, “If I distilled my list down, it would pretty much be learning to love and care for myself.”

Lessons Learned in 2015

I am the most important being in my life.
I am very, very strong emotionally, physically, and energetically.
I have gifts and I can explore them at my own pace.
No one knows about me better than I know about myself.
Energy leaks are critical to fix.
My Higher Self is me. My Little Girls are me.
Align with authentic self, not ego.
We heal ourselves.
Reality is the only safe place.
Love is more powerful than anything; love makes everything alright.
I am not alone. Ever.
I am deeply loved.
I am brave.
I let go of so much and I am ok.
I face my biggest fears and walk through them.
I always get back home.
We have to choose to receive in order to receive.
We always have a choice.
My truth feels like goose bumps on the inside.
Greater compassion for self and others.
Only I can make myself happy. I can only make myself happy.
Feeling grateful makes every situation ok.
Look for the lesson. There is a lesson in everything.
I am living a bigger life and learning how to keep growing it.

Take some of her lessons and make them your lessons for 2016. Stay true to yourself and you will definitely move forward. Open your heart and send love to yourself and then to others.

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FIND THE LOVE IN YOUR HEART: Feel better, love more, and be healthier when you learn how to feel your emotions and stay true to yourself. The Opening the Heart audio series is a three-hour comforting, relaxing guide that helps you find, accept, heal, and follow your emotional self to freedom and joy. $97.00, money-back guarantee.

Read more and order Opening the Heart:
http://www.drjeanette.com/emotionalhealthaudio.html

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3. “Become a Better Lover,” $249.97
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Relationship Advice: How to Get Joy in Your Heart as a Single Person

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Get to Know Yourself.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com

==============

Are you single for the holidays?
Are you missing someone you love?

Some of you may be single for the holidays. Others may be missing a
loved one who has passed over. Relationships are extremely important.
However, the most important relationship you have, or ever will have,
may be one that you are neglecting and ignoring.

How do you relate to yourself? Do you love or reject your body? Do
you accept or find fault with your emotions? How close are you to
your soul? Do you accept your age? Loving yourself never gets to an
end point of satisfaction. There is always more to accept and
something new to embrace.

Being single for the holidays is a challenge. Living through the
first holidays without a loved one is painful. However, if you spent
time being grateful for what you have and turn your attention to your
own personal growth, the holidays can be enjoyable and bear fruit for
the new year.

Here is a list of ten action steps to help you feel better and enjoy
your holidays if you are single or feel alone.

1. Send your inner critic out in the cold.
2. Get to know your personal desires and needs.
3. Express your feelings creatively.
4. Enjoy little things about your own company.
5. Indulge yourself in simple pleasures.
6. Spend time with people who love you.
7 Do some serious personal growth.
8. Listen to harmonious music that makes you feel good.
9. Spend time in nature relaxing, walking, and breathing.
10. Read self-help material to feel good about yourself.

For more details about each action step visit:
http://www.drjeanette.com/singlefortheholidays.html

Give yourself joy in your heart to enjoy more vibrant moments during
your holidays.

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SINGLE FOR THE HOLIDAYS? Read, study, and take the “7 Steps to
Becoming Stronger After a Divorce or Break Up.” Divorce is painful.
Breaking up with a lover is so hard just before the holidays. Get the
emotional support and love you need to face each day and get through
the night. thirteen pages, PDF, $9.97.

Read more and order:
http://www.drjeanette.com/divorcebreakupreport.html

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HEAL YOUR HEART: Do not repeat the same painful patterns of your past.
Emotional hurt is the first sign of more life. Get the emotional heal
ing guidance you need to love and accept yourself so you attract better
partners in the future. Heal your heart so you become emotionally secure
and self-confident. The three hours of comforting audio leads you to
your emotional self and shows you how to be more self-accepting an
d self-loving. Get help with your feelings, fear, and hurt. Money-back
guarantee, $97.00.

Read more and order Opening the Heart:
http://www.drjeanette.com/emotionalhealthaudio.html

HOLIDAY BONUS: Order the “Opening the Heart” audio series before Dec.
20 and get the report “7 Steps to Becoming Stronger After a Divorce
or Break Up” for free, worth $9.97. If you already own “7 Steps to
Becoming Stronger After a Divorce or Break Up,” pick a personal
growth mp3 audio worth $29.97 from this list:
http://www.drjeanette.com/cds.html

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HOLIDAY GIFTS: Give a meaningful holiday or birthday gift certificate
to your mother, child, beloved, or self to say I love you. It can be used
toward any of the holistic psychology empowering home study courses
and relaxing audio. From $25.00 to $200.00, or ask me for the exact
amount you need.

Read list of self-help products:
http://www.drjeanette.com/selfhelpproducts.html

Order your gift certificate:
http://www.drjeanette.com/gift.html

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How to Get More by Blessing More with Universal Law

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Bless Often.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com

==============

Yes, count your blessings and bless that which you want to possess and manifest. Thanksgiving is a wonderful reminder of giving thanks. When you give thanks, you grease the pathway to more abundance for yourself.

Since you cannot trump universal laws, it is best to work with them. The blessings law is easy and fun to practice and improve. How often do you curse something instead of blessing it? When you curse, you grease the pathway to deprivation.

Cursing means you find fault with someone, criticize an object, or judge yourself as inferior. In a nutshell, you curse something or someone every time you judge something or someone. The law works so that whatever you give energy to increases.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of blessings to make up for a few curses. So watch what you do, be careful. One thing I tend to curse is development and concrete. Philadelphia is booming once again with rapid development, high rises, and more concrete poured on my beloved grass and trees. It is so hard for me to bless concrete. It really is.

However, without concrete there would be no swimming pool for me to swim in! Or, bridges to cross the river so I can eat Indian food and walk in nature on the beautiful University of Pennsylvania campus. Concrete keeps the city free of flying dirt. Concrete is symbolic of connection, strength, and endurance.

My Thanksgiving blessing: Bless you, oh, magnificent concrete, I love you and what you do. Bless you so I become more like you — connected, stronger, and endurant.

You could spend a lot of time this Thanksgiving being grateful for all the wonderful things you already possess. Count your blessings and write them down on a piece of paper. This will grease your pathway to more abundance.

Then take your blessings out on a walk. Bless everything in sight that you want more of. Blessings work. For example, bless every time you see two people getting along with each other to help you get along better with others.

Let me know what happens when you practice the blessings law. I must give credit to my teacher. I am grateful my mother blessed me and taught me how to bless. Bless you for reading The Vibrant Moment.

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EXPRESS YOUR THANKS: Give a meaningful holiday or birthday gift certificate to your mother, child, beloved, or self to say thank you. It can be used toward any of the holistic psychology empowering home study courses and relaxing audio. From $25.00 to $200.00, or ask me for the exact amount you need.

Read list of self-help products:
http://www.drjeanette.com/selfhelpproducts.html

Order your gift certificate:
http://www.drjeanette.com/gift.html

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How to Heal Buttons and Stop Being Reactive

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Heal Buttons.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com
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A reader asks, “How do I channel my sensitive side in a positive way through the divorce. I still have to live with my narcissist husband and he pushes all my buttons.”

Ah, those buttons! Everyone has buttons that get pushed in relationships. Buttons are helpful, red flags that tell you something inside of you has not been healed, and desperately needs to be healed. Buttons are gaping emotional wounds.

You do not have to be a highly sensitive person to have buttons and to have them trigged by someone’s comment or behavior. However, if you are a highly sensitive person you may over react more often and be more defensive when someone touches your wounds. This is because you feel the emotional pain more intensely.

This is not a disadvantage. I used to wish I was not so sensitive. This was before I knew the advantages of feeling so much, so deeply. When you feel what is really going on inside of you, and outside of you, you have the potential to develop exquisite empathy and solid self-confidence.

If you learn the difference between thoughts and feelings, you can trust what you feel in your body. Instead of thinking or believing in false beliefs, you can stand in physical reality. Deducting or pretending about reality does not make you more self-confident; it makes you weaker, like your narcissistic husband.

Consider your strengths. A highly sensitive person feels internal and external anxiety. Many people bind their anxiety by staying busy or denying their leg that is physically jumping up and down! Anxiety is in their leg, making it jump up and down, yet, they do not feel anxious or know they are anxious. This means their anxious leg is out of control and out of their awareness.

Being out of touch with your leg jumping up and down is not helpful. The results of having this much anxiety in your body have major consequences. There is a high probability that you will suffer from poor mental, emotional, and physical health. So be grateful you experience your anxiety and discomfort. This is far better than your unconscious husband who thinks you have all the problems.

Be glad you know you have buttons. Thank the person who pushes them. When buttons are pushed you have the chance to unlearn your ineffective habit of reacting and being defensive. Instead, you can learn to feel what you really feel.

When your husband says, “You are too sensitive, why does that bother you.” Instead of defending against how you feel, feel it. Feel stupid, dumb, scared, inferior, dirty, selfish, guilty or whatever. If you want to be strong and improve your self esteem, your job is to feel what you feel.

Feel stupid, and at the same time, support yourself emotionally. Stay with your sensitive self and do not call her stupid. Protect your emotional self from any outside judgment with genuine self-acceptance.

Soon you will be noticing the other person’s anxious body language and irrational behavior and feel grateful you are standing in reality instead of losing touch with your body.

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READ BODY LANGUAGE: Feel in your body the difference between thoughts and feelings. Get practice standing in reality and feeling solid self-esteem. Become more aware of what you really feel and begin to trust what you feel. Learn about body language in the forest near New Hope, PA, Oct 24. Your personal requests are addressed. Join me and a small group of men and women. $200.00 all-day workshop. Six spots left.

Read more and sign up at:
http://www.drjeanette.com/natureworkshops.html

 

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GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE? Divorce is hard and painful. There are ways to take care of yourself and your buttons through a breakup or divorce that make it easier on you. If you take these seven steps you become stronger instead of weaker. Learn the “7 Steps to Becoming Stronger After a Divorce or Break Up.” 13 pages; $9.97; PDF (Adobe Acrobat Reader) format.

Read more and order “7 Steps to Becoming Stronger After a Divorce or Break Up:”
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How to Know When You are Defensive

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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Give Up Defensive Energy.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com

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A reader asks, “Show an example of authentic defensiveness (validly
taking care of yourself) and whatever ‘being defensive’ is … people
always make it sound nasty and shameful. It’s dismissive, as it’s
often used in the vernacular. ‘Oh, you’re just being defensive. I
don’t have to pay attention to what you’re saying.’ In other words, a
power play, to create helplessness.”

I was walking through Rittenhouse Park on the way to buy groceries
when I caught myself in the act of being defensive for the first
time. I was replaying a conversation over and over again in my head
between me and my traditional talk therapist. She said, “You are … I
honestly cannot remember what she said at this point about me. My
response was, “This is NOT TRUE about me. No, way. I am not …”
whatever it was she said.

In my head I was defending myself. Making up reasons to prove that
what she said was not true. Creating excuses about the reason I do
this and that and the other. This mental energy of denying and
rejecting what my therapist said is an excellent example of defensive
energy.

My new psychological awareness was in the early 1980s and I did not
know about body language and energy flow. I did know about defense
mechanisms. Thank Freud for discovering that humans create defense
mechanisms to defend themselves against a perceived attack. I felt
threatened by the observation and feedback that I was getting from my
therapist.

You defend yourself when you feel criticized or attacked. The person
giving you the feedback may or may not be attacking you. Usually,
they are not. They are telling you their truth and you do not like
it. You do not like it because it makes you uncomfortable and
anxious. You do not like it because it threatens your ego, your image
of yourself.

An example of assertive behavior, which would be authentic
defensiveness, would be to receive what my therapist said and explore
her feedback to see how much of it was true. I am sure all of it was
true. She was not being critical of me, she was trying to help me
become more conscious and aware.

You may think your family and friends are making you wrong or bad.
However, most of the time they are being honest with you and they are
not attacking you. Once in a while a family member may be judging you
and making you wrong and bad. In this case you need to say to
yourself, “So what? Maybe she is or is not making me wrong or bad. So
what?”

When you say “So what?” to yourself, this helps you immediately give
up your defensive response. The goal is to be assertive and not
defensive. An assertive response is one that supports you
emotionally. If you are assertive you are honest with yourself about
what you feel. You do not reject how you feel.

You experience your helplessness if that is what you feel. Feeling
helplessness is a step closer to becoming stronger and more secure.
No one is making you helpless, you feel helpless. Feeling helpless
goes back to early childhood learning when you really were helpless.

When you feel helpless, now as an adult, you need to connect in a
loving way with the part of you who feels helpless. Your helplessness
is not going to go away until you do something to help it go away.
Your job is to protect the part of you that feels helpless and keep
her safe and secure.

Defending yourself against helplessness does not empower you. Feeling
your helplessness and making sure the helpless part of you gets the
practical assistance she needs from your authentic adult self empowers
you. If you provide what is needed to your emotional self, you will be
stronger and more secure the next time you get feedback.

You will be able to receive feedback and consider it without
rejecting it or turning it against yourself. Once you get rid of your
inner, learned, mental judgments against yourself, another person’s
judgment does not destroy you. Outside judgments do not feel good,
but if you do not agree with the judgment, it does not hurt your
heart.

The reason an outside attack does not hurt your heart is because you
are protecting and loving your little girl, and her feelings. She
does not feel helpless if you are taking care of her and protecting
her from internal and external attacks.

Never be afraid of feeling helpless or any other feeling. It is by
listening to your feelings that you know how to protect your
emotional self so that you become stronger and more secure. The
helpless part of you cannot take care of herself on her own. She
really is helpless, until you show up and do what is needed.

Is this clear? If not, ask another question.

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How to Get What You Want by Being Assertive

Posted on by

The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Be Rational.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com
==================

You make a mistake.
Your partner does something you do not like.
Your son will not eat what you want him to eat.

What do you do? Do you become rigid and controlling, insisting he eat the way you want him to eat? Do you exaggerate the situation and make it worse than it is? Is this moment really that much of a tragedy?

We all overreact sometimes. It is wise to notice when you do. If you have been in effective therapy, you received outside feedback about your irrational, defensive behavior. You learned that being defensive is a waste of your time and energy. Even more importantly, you learned that irrational behavior does not get you what you want.

An irrational reaction is when you behave in a way that does not fit the reality of the situation. A defensive reaction is not an emotional reaction. Psychologists, researchers, and dictionaries often confuse the source of irrational reactions and tell you that you are being too emotional. Not true.

The source of an irrational reaction is a learned conditioned response. Reactions often feel like a knee jerk response that occurs so quickly you cannot be master over it. But is it? The figurative meaning of knee jerk comes from the physical patellar reflex discovered and named in the 1870s by Dr. William Richard Gowers. Your physical knee jerk response is necessary for good health. It is a reflex, not a conditioned response.

An irrational reaction to life situations is not a reflex and it is not good for your holistic health. When you are conditioned to respond irrationally to anything, you are trapped in a vicious circle of self-control. You are like the pigeons in the city parks that go round and round because they are conditioned to turn around because once they found food when they did.

Could it be that when you are not “in control,” you react irrationally? Yes, irrational reactions occur when you cannot cope with reality. You suddenly become dysfunctional, instead of breathing, dealing, and bending with what is really occurring. When you are irrational, you are not feeling your authentic emotions and you are not aware of your body.

Abruptly, you behave as if you were a monster, instead of a human being with choices and options. In this irrational moment, you are the one being controlled. Thus, you are weak and helpless. You are not free to choose an assertive, effective way to handle the situation.

Reactions are learned, which is a very good thing, because this means you can unlearn them. There is no reason you cannot break free from any conditioned response and become rational and emotionally secure. Rise above your conditioned reactions by feeling your emotions and body, instead of being afraid of them. Your body and heart help you stay safe and sane.

Being in touch with your emotions is what allows you to be assertive. You must know what you feel before you can be assertive. When you are assertive, you are rational and emotionally secure. You are standing tall on a solid foundation of integrity.

Being honest makes you an effective, loving parent, lover, and friend. Best of all, you get what you want.

=====================

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