How to Stop Judging Yourself and Others for Better Mental Health


The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Care and Change.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Dr. Doris Jeanette, Body-Emotions-Energy Teacher

Here is an excellent holistic psychology question I got this week
from a client. She asks, “How do I stop hating myself— as in judging
myself —when I make a mess and so many mistakes over and over again.
I can’t stand it.”

This client is learning how to be responsible for all her behaviors,
thoughts and feelings without being mean to herself. Being
responsible for yourself without judging yourself is what I call the
“First Trick in Transformation.” When you master this, you move to
the wonderful place on planet earth beyond judgment. This is the
place the poet Rumi loved to write about.

When my client makes a mess, she apologizes and thinks that is all
she has to do. However, the messes continue and add up over time
because she is not learning how to be a more responsible person with
the people in her life. She is still avoiding, instead of owning and
facing her mess. You know you are still being defensive if you cannot
admit and talk about the mistakes you make with ease again and again
over time. No buttons or triggers will be there when you are
emotionally secure.

Like most people in the world, my client does not want to be
responsible because if she admits she made a mess, her Inner Critic
beats her to death, just like the flagellation that was used for
punishment by the Romans. In 2023, you may not be physically
punishing yourself but you sure are beating yourself up creating as
much emotional and physical pain as if you were!

Sometimes, my client wants to kill herself to escape this pain. The
racing, mean, nasty thoughts hitting her emotional self makes her
want to run away and hide. If these thoughts are often enough,
terrible enough, people do kill themselves, as the brilliant author
Virginia Woolf did by putting rocks in her pockets and walking into
the Ouse river behind her home.

Therefore, learning how to stand up to your Inner Critic is essential
for personal growth. The lower brain needs to unlearn this nasty behavior
from the Middle Ages of attacking ourselves when we make a mess.
Making a mess and making mistakes are part of the natural process of
transformation that occurs when we self-actualize and become our true

When you make a mess you must clean it up. If you are not making a
mess, then you are not becoming a better person, you are stuck in
your ego. This means you want to make a mess, be responsible for your
mess, be compassionate toward yourself and stop making the same mess
over and over again. In other words, CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR! Anxiety is
usually the reason you make a mess in the fist place, so learn to
reduce your anxiety, be responsible and make better choices.

The fastest way I know to be successful learning how to stop whipping
yourself, is to FEEL how much you are hurting your little girl when you
attack her and make her bad and wrong. Feeling solves the problem for
me. Once I feel how much I am hurting myself or someone else, I
immediately want to stop being insensitive, mean or heartless.

My open heart cares and quickly stops the abuse. If you know of a
faster way to do this, please share it with me and our readers.
Caring is the result of opening your heart and solar plexus. Open
your heart to help yourself and humanity move forward.


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If you enjoy The Vibrant Moment, please forward it to friends and
colleagues. It comes to you from Dr. Doris Jeanette, with over
forty-five years of experience teaching people how to read and use
energy to unlock and use their human potential. Sign up at:

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D.
503 S. 21 St.
Philadelphia, PA 19146

Mentor and author of Opening the Heart

How to Flourish During a Pandemic and Psyche Attack

The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Lathe Thyself With Love.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Dr. Doris Jeanette, Transformational Teacher and Mentor


“Lathe thyself with love.”

At a Jean Houston workshop in NYC in 1983, Jean shared a story about
Margret Mead. Jean was close to Margaret at the time and overheard
her talking to herself in her room as she woke up in the morning. It
sounded as if Margaret was moving and stretching as she talked to
herself. I cannot remember the exact words, but it was something
along the lines of, “I am so happy with myself. I am so glad to be
me. It is oh, so, delightful to just be me.”

This was a rare story of someone who was not only comfortable talking
to herself, but was also at ease being sincerely pleased with herself.
Unfortunately, self-love is not easy for most of us to enjoy, experience
and sustain over time. This is because loving yourself is forbidden
and even considered a sin by some religions. As a result, it is hard
to be tender with yourself without hearing judgments in your head.

If others love you, it is ok—for a bit. However, you should not love
yourself. If you do, your Inner Critic calls you selfish, narcissistic and
crazy. Tis Strange— when you really step back and look at it, isn’t it?
Very peculiar.

After all, self-love is the heart of what any good therapist, coach
or mentor teaches you. Step by step, they lead you to the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow that lives in your heart. When you sense
your inner truths, loving energy is always present. As soon as you
feel the reality of the universal loving energy that lives in your
heart, self-love is possible.

It took me a few years after hearing this story about Margaret Mead,
to make a conscious choice that I was indeed worthy of being loved.
And it was a conscious choice. For 35 years the negative judgments I
had learned about the real me were dominant in my psyche. One by
one, as they hit me, I lay the nasty comments about the lazy, relaxed,
disorganized, selfish, creative, colorful, crazy me, dead at my feet.

My therapy, workshops and self-care were growing corn. Finally, to
myself, and in my own mind—I decided that I was indeed, good enough
as a person, that it was all right for me to let go of control and
love who I really was. Profound. I knew for sure that I could trust
my heart and follow it. My heart was wise and I would do no harm. All
I needed to do was be responsible for my actions.

Do not confuse self-praise with self-love. Praising yourself for
something is an act of the ego. You can be pleased with yourself if
you make a lot of money, have a lot of friends, have a lover, get a
degree or job and so on. This is not self-love. Self-love is
accepting who you really are inside, without having to do anything.

If you listen to your heart, you discover that you are inherently a
good person. This knowledge is the turning point. I could never go
backward after knowing that I was born lovable. From my conscious
choice forward— I was glad to be me. However, life did not stop
throwing new judgments at me.

It appears the Inner Critic does not die a permanent death. Our ego
seems to be like a virus that is out of control for a while and kills
a lot of people. Eventually, you become stronger than the virus.
However, the virus does not completely disappear, even after we get a
vaccine and medication! Antibiotics can kill the bubonic plague, yet
it is still lurking around with all the other viruses!

Thus said, you can tame your ego but cannot destroy it. The moment
you choose to love your true self, you become much stronger.
Self-love gives you a healthy immune system and lots of vibrant
moments. But you must make this choice over and over again. So, the
next time you feel down in the dumps, look around for your ego. It is
attacking you. You could choose to shift out of self-judgment and
lathe thyself with love!

Notice how much and how often you truly love yourself this week.
Notice how much and how often you judge yourself this week and for

If you need help in feeling the energy difference between your sneaky
ego and your real self, study the Opening the Heart audio. In the first
thirty minutes you get a lesson you never forget.

Read more suggestions for coping with stress, depression and anxiety.


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Read more and order Opening the Heart:

If you enjoy The Vibrant Moment, please share it with friends and
colleagues. It comes to you from Dr. Doris Jeanette, with over forty
years of experience teaching people how to read and use energy to
unlock and use their human potential. Sign up at: