How to Accept Your Sex Fantasies and Have More Fun

The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Accept Your Fantasies.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach


I received an interesting question this week about sexual fantasies. In 1973, Nancy Friday’s book, My Secret Garden, destroyed the common belief that women do not have sexual fantasies. Yes, psychology, medicine, popular culture, and men did not think we had any!

Here is Nancy Friday’s list from Chapter Three: What do women fantasize about?

The audience
Pain and masochism
The sexuality of terror
The thrill of the forbidden
The earth mother
The zoo
Black men
Young boys
The fetishists
Other women

Although there are some gender differences, women have the full range of sexual fantasies, just like men. Sexual fantasies are normal and healthy. Often sex therapists recommend couples share their sex fantasies because this improves intimacy. In some cases, you may even decide to create each other’s fantasies in real life. As long as no one gets hurt, and you both agree, fantasies spice up your love life.

It is also healthy and normal to have sex fantasies that you do not share with your partner. Just make sure you are not obsessive about your fantasies and do not HAVE to have a certain fantasy in order to be satisfied. If you are dependent on, or obsessive about a fantasy, anxiety is your problem. To reduce your anxiety take the Overcome Anxiety Naturally home study course or work with a holistic psychologist who teaches you how to diminish your anxiety enough to enjoy more pleasure.

The question I received is: “What stops you from acting out a sexual fantasy about having group sex.” There is a world of difference between having a fantasy about group sex and having group sex. The fantasy is pleasurable, exciting, and erotic. The reality of having group sex could be scary, dangerous, and self-destructive.

When you enjoy a sexual fantasy, you are in charge of what you are experiencing. There is no harm to you or anyone else. Therefore, fantasies are a healthy, empowering way to express your emotions. For example, you can be extremely angry with someone and express it in your fantasy without doing damage to yourself or the other person.

Psychological research supports the fact that people who carry out violence against others have NOT felt their anger. If you do not allow yourself to feel your anger, there is a high probability you will “act out” your anger in real life by hurting others. There is equally a high probability you will “act in” your anger, hurting yourself in some way.

When you feel you anger, you do not “act out” your unconscious material on yourself or others. The same is true with sex fantasies. Sexual fantasies are a healthy way to feel your needs and desires without hurting anyone.

The unconscious, dark energy that makes you act out your sexual fantasy is disarmed when you let yourself become conscious of your sexual truths. The fantasy itself serves as a pressure value, a safety feature, which keeps you from acting out a specific behavior that could be harmful to you or others.

When women and men have rape fantasies they often judge themselves as wrong or bad. This makes you feel bad, guilty, and full of shame. The judgment is the problem, not the fantasy. Your fantasies are like dreams, some are bad, scary, intuitive, and helpful. Fantasies are a mixture of your waking life, world environment, imagination, and past learning experiences. Do not judge any of your sex fantasies. Bring them to the light of your conscious mind so they do no harm.

Accept all your sexual fantasies. If some are hurtful and unkind, accept the part of you that is hurtful and unkind. This helps you move toward being less hurtful and unkind. We are human and have inherited a lot of unhealthy garbage from our parents, governments, and religions.

Your compassionate heart knows your sexual fantasies exist for some good reason. Sort through them as they come up to the light of your conscious mind. Be humbled by your humanity. Some of your sexual fantasies need to be tossed, other tamed, just as your thoughts need to be mastered so they serve you and do not hurt you.

Relax, enjoy your sexual fantasies, and feel good about being part of the human race.


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FOR WOMEN: BETTER SEXUAL HEALTH. Take the home study course, Overcome Anxiety Naturally. You learn how to reduce your anxiety so you feel comfortable enough to let go of control and have a good time playing like a child, with your partner. Ten written lessons and five hours of audio, $199.97, money-back guarantee.

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NEED HELP WITH GRIEF? If you are interested in a four-session grief group on the phone this summer, “How to Become More Alive While Grieving” let me know. You get the support and help you need to keep moving forward with your grieving instead of getting stuck in depression and anxiety. If there is enough interest, I will do one or two “How to Become More Alive While Grieving” Groups during the summer. The price is $200 for four hour and fifteen minute sessions. Email Dr. Doris Jeanette to discuss your grieving needs.