The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Say No To Guilt!
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Visit: http://www.drjeanette.com
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How often do you find yourself in this situation?
I am using my client, J’s example of guilt, because it is such a typical and difficult situation. Here is the email question I received this morning:
“My cousin, I’ve been close with, married a man a few years ago that I really don’t vibe with. My husband feels similarly. I’m trying to stay close to her without being very involved with him. She also has a young daughter just 6 months younger than my toddler.
They just bought a house and are moving farther away. It’s about 2.5 hrs. They invited us to a housewarming/birthday party.” I declined as politely as possible … trying not to give much reason.
Now my aunt and cousin are dissatisfied and I can feel it strongly. I made the decision because – I don’t really want to go.
– There are many other things I’m trying to focus on.
– I was invited to a friend’s child bday party I want to go to.
I already went way out of my way to sit through the most horrible wedding I’ve ever been too … I don’t want to experience that again and neither does my husband. It’s hard to explain . . .
Now I feel they’re “not happy” with my feelings … and I feel like it’s a lose/lose. If I go I won’t be happy … if I don’t go I’ll feel bad. After all I think *these are family – the people most here for me when my mom was sick. I feel bad. I want them to know I care, but I also want to care about myself.
Give me your wonderful guidance and wisdom please. Already listening to the guilt audio, but I need more specific help.
Thank you!”
What would you do?
This is definitely a guilt trap. By that I mean my client will feel bad, no matter what choice she makes. It is a lose-lose situation. The energy of a guilt trap is sticky, pulls at you, and makes it almost impossible to get out.
J is no push over. She was able to be assertive and say, “No,” the first time around. She has taken the Assertiveness Training home study course, “Stop the World From Pushing You Around: Six Weeks to Solid Self-Confidence,” studied the self-help audio, “Find Peace Beyond Guilt and Judgment,” and has been working with me privately for over a year.
J is clear about her feelings, yet, she is still stuck in the guilt trap. This is what I wrote back: The goal is to get out of the guilt trap and follow your authentic feelings without being passive or aggressive toward the people involved.
Take three deep breaths and intent to be true to yourself. There is no right or wrong answer. There is only your way out of this guilt trap. You want your choice to be the best choice you can make given the situation. You must live with whatever you choose.
If I already had another invitation that I had accepted I would tell my cousin the truth. If it was too far to drive back and forth in a day or night with two small children, I could tell my cousin the truth. If I could set up a fun trip and stay overnight and include the housewarming without feeling resentful, I would.
You want to transform this guilt trap into a win-win by choosing the pathway that creates the least amount of resentment for you. You may feel bad about not pleasing your aunt. You may call yourself, “Selfish and unkind.” That you can live through and transform.
Resentment, on the other hand, eats at you and makes you physically sick. Resentment permanently destroys relationships. Therefore, you want to behave in ways that do not make you physically sick and maintains an honest relationship over the years with your aunt and cousin.
Good luck in following your heart. Be aware of your feelings and reactions as you feel your way through this difficult situation. You can learn what you need to know, so the next guilt trap might not imprison you at all!
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FEELING GUILTY? The guilt busting audio, “Find Peace Beyond Guilt and Judgment,” explains how learned mental judgments create guilt and deliver guilt to others. The session explains the energy of guilt and offers the listener healthy ways to replace guilty behavior with effective communication skills for more loving relationships. One-hour personal growth audio, $29.97. Money back guarantee.
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