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The Vibrant Moment – Remember: Use feedback.
Tools from the Center for New Psychology
Publisher: Doris Jeanette, Holistic Psychology Mentor, Coach
Thank you for all the interesting questions and positive feedback about The Vibrant Moment articles on whining, feeling sorry for yourself and the sneaky way your ego blocks your healthy emotional expression.
You can apply the same psychological dynamics to other behaviors such as talking too much, not sharing enough about yourself, being impatient and listening with your mind instead of your heart. You can use the same awareness of psychological processes with any other unpleasant relationship behavior you may be afraid that you engage in.
For those of you who missed last week’s information on the Definition of Whining and the Definition of Healthy Emotional Expression catch it here:
Several of you mentioned that you are concerned when others tune you out or run away from you with their hands over their ears! In other words, the other person does not want to hear what you are saying. You may be whining or you may be expressing your authentic emotions. It does not matter. This is when you need to use other people’s feedback to your advantage.
A very important relationship skill is the ability to pick up other people’s nonverbal and verbal clues. So if someone tunes you out, stop talking. It does not matter if you are whining or expressing your emotions, if others do not want to hear you, stop talking. To continue to talk would not be fruitful.
You can discover if the block in communication is you or them by noticing your own behavior. Remember, if you really are whining, there is a high probability you do not know that you are whining. This means this unhelpful behavior is in your unconscious.
To be more intimate with others, you need someone to tell you when you are whining. When others tune you out, this is a helpful indication to you that you may be whining or engaging in some other ineffective relationship behavior. This is not always true but it could be true.
It is up to you to find the proper place to expose your whining and get the help you need in transforming this ineffective relationship behavior into an assertive behavior. Coaching, mentoring and therapeutic relationships were created to help you with all your ineffective relationship behaviors.
A good holistic psychologist does not reinforce your whining behavior by sitting there and listening to you feel sorry for yourself. Nor does she react with judgment or discomfort. She is comfortable with your whining because she has learned to notice, accept and deal with her own whining.
Therefore, she gently helps you become aware of your whining, in an emotionally safe and nonjudgmental manner. With kindness she teaches you how to stop judging yourself about the fact that you feel sorry for yourself. Next, she teaches you effective assertive behaviors that allow you to be closer to yourself and to others.
Let us come full circle back to the beginning example of how your ego tells you are whining when you are not whining. For those of you who missed it: http://thevibrantmoment.com/2013/08/14/assertiveness-moves-beyond-talk-therapy-into-nature-energy-and-power/
When you say to yourself, “You are whining and you must immediately stop whining,” there is a high probability that you are blocking your own authentic emotional expression. The other person is not tuning you out, you are inhibiting yourself. You learned to do this when you were a child.
When you pay attention to the emotional energy dynamics you discover the deeper psychological truth. The irony, the twist of reality, the truth is that you are inhibiting your healthy emotional expression when you accuse yourself of whining.
To transform this behavior, tame your sneaky critical ego and stop her from raining on your parade. Learn to stand up to your Ms. Perfect and find healthy ways to express your authentic emotions. The presence of other people is not necessary.
Please post your feelings, thoughts and comments about self-awareness, emotional expression, personal growth and assertiveness below.
ALREADY KNOW YOU WHINE? Take the Assertiveness Training Home Study Course, “Stop the World From Pushing You Around: Six Weeks to Solid Self-Confidence.” Learn the relationship skill of how to pick up other people’s nonverbal and verbal clues. This course inspires you with energy, body and emotional information even if you have already taken an in-person Assertiveness Training course. A 46 page manual and over 10 hours of Assertiveness Training audio coaching lessons with a live class. $149.97 with a money back guarantee.
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NEED TO EXPOSE YOUR EGO? Take the fall Nature Workshop near New Hope, PA. I provide a safe place in the forest to become aware of your sneaky ego, the feeling sorry for yourself energy and other annoying relationship behaviors. We play with our unhelpful energy and shift it into effective, assertive energy. Near NYC and Philadelphia in the lovely colored trees. Oct. 12, $200.00. Limited to 12 people to ensure you get what you need.
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Please share this blog with anyone who is interested in learning how to be happy, healthy and effective.